Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I finally let it go...


I took a leap of faith this week.  Something that I have held in for five years I finally got out and put it on paper.  Have you ever held anything in for so long you couldn’t even find the words to say how you feel?  Have you ever been so hurt you couldn’t find the words to explain your pain?  Have you ever turned to someone for help and it only ended in disappointment because the only one who can help is yourself?

I’ve always been the type that really doesn’t like confrontation, but will stand up and fight when it is absolutely necessary.  I’m just like my Mom- Irish.  We are quiet people most of the time- push us over our limit and your lucky if we can forgive.  This was the first time in my life I didn’t stand up when it was absolutely necessary.  I went against everything I believe in and stayed quiet.  The funny part is…. I have no idea why.  I think it just snow-balled over time and the problem got so huge I didn’t know how to handle it.  Just like in a previous post- I had to learn to forgive myself and this time I did something about it.

This week it dawned on me that there was nothing anyone could do to help.  I had to deal with this myself.  As much as I would have given anything to have had the help of a loved one by my side, I really feel that it would have diluted what I was needing to say.  Am I a coward for doing this in writing- I don’t think I am.  Confronting someone can be hard; they have to be willing to listen until you are done, understand you fully, absorb what you had to say and then respond hopefully in a respectful manner.  Well when you know for a fact that the person would not understand or respect what you had to say, more the likely be filled with interruptions and in the end get you no where; I’m thinking the written word is best. 

You see with writing you can get out what you had to say, read what you had to say and edit what you had to say.  The other person can read what you wrote, get mad about what you wrote, re-read what you wrote, and after a few times maybe a little anger will go away and understanding will hit them- one can only hope. 

So two days ago I sat down and wrote.  I wrote hard and long- smoke coming off of the keyboard hard.  I never thought I would know where to start.  But I was able to put five years of pain into two pages, signed, sealed and delivered in just one afternoon.   It was amazing that it wasn’t a tearful process.  I cried once while reading it for the first time at a particularly emotional part- a part that would bring any parent to tears.

I have yet to know what the outcome is.  You see I left it in their hands.  The funny part is, I don’t know if I care about the outcome anymore.  For the first time in five years I can honestly say without a doubt that I have done literally everything I could.  They tell you all anyone can expect from you is the best you could do.  This is my best.  I put my heart out there more than I ever had before, I went against my Irish roots and offered forgiveness but only with the exchange of respect, and more importantly than anything else I offered to forget all that has happened with the sign of change.