Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I finally let it go...


I took a leap of faith this week.  Something that I have held in for five years I finally got out and put it on paper.  Have you ever held anything in for so long you couldn’t even find the words to say how you feel?  Have you ever been so hurt you couldn’t find the words to explain your pain?  Have you ever turned to someone for help and it only ended in disappointment because the only one who can help is yourself?

I’ve always been the type that really doesn’t like confrontation, but will stand up and fight when it is absolutely necessary.  I’m just like my Mom- Irish.  We are quiet people most of the time- push us over our limit and your lucky if we can forgive.  This was the first time in my life I didn’t stand up when it was absolutely necessary.  I went against everything I believe in and stayed quiet.  The funny part is…. I have no idea why.  I think it just snow-balled over time and the problem got so huge I didn’t know how to handle it.  Just like in a previous post- I had to learn to forgive myself and this time I did something about it.

This week it dawned on me that there was nothing anyone could do to help.  I had to deal with this myself.  As much as I would have given anything to have had the help of a loved one by my side, I really feel that it would have diluted what I was needing to say.  Am I a coward for doing this in writing- I don’t think I am.  Confronting someone can be hard; they have to be willing to listen until you are done, understand you fully, absorb what you had to say and then respond hopefully in a respectful manner.  Well when you know for a fact that the person would not understand or respect what you had to say, more the likely be filled with interruptions and in the end get you no where; I’m thinking the written word is best. 

You see with writing you can get out what you had to say, read what you had to say and edit what you had to say.  The other person can read what you wrote, get mad about what you wrote, re-read what you wrote, and after a few times maybe a little anger will go away and understanding will hit them- one can only hope. 

So two days ago I sat down and wrote.  I wrote hard and long- smoke coming off of the keyboard hard.  I never thought I would know where to start.  But I was able to put five years of pain into two pages, signed, sealed and delivered in just one afternoon.   It was amazing that it wasn’t a tearful process.  I cried once while reading it for the first time at a particularly emotional part- a part that would bring any parent to tears.

I have yet to know what the outcome is.  You see I left it in their hands.  The funny part is, I don’t know if I care about the outcome anymore.  For the first time in five years I can honestly say without a doubt that I have done literally everything I could.  They tell you all anyone can expect from you is the best you could do.  This is my best.  I put my heart out there more than I ever had before, I went against my Irish roots and offered forgiveness but only with the exchange of respect, and more importantly than anything else I offered to forget all that has happened with the sign of change. 

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Good Bye and I'm Sorry!

I've been hearing the last few weeks that I'm going to be a great mother.  My friends (especially those I met at Disney) all look to me as the mother of the group.  I'm reminded that I was always there for them and that I'll be a great Mom in a few weeks.  I so love them for feeling that way towards me, for I have loved being there for them over the years.  But my motherly instinct didn't start with my friends- it started with my animals.  I'm not the type to only get attached to a dog or cat.  I get attached to whatever I raise, nurture and care for.  I grieve for animals just as much as people- maybe some of you think that is wrong- that animals are not the same as people.... but for someone like me who sees her animals as family or as her kids, the loss of one of them is heart breaking.
Tonight while my Dad and I finished Alayna's room I was a bad mother.  I had completely forgot about my Guinea Pig Marvin- he was downstairs in his favorite basket.  If you are sitting there saying Oh My God he is a rodent then you never met Marvin.  We was a dog in a guinea pigs body.  One of his favorite things to do was have me get him out in is wicker basket- he honestly liked watching TV.... his favorite move was G-Force!  Well I had just cleaned his cage and brought him in his basket downstairs for the evening.  He normally would sit on a chair in the kitchen during dinner and then chill on the ottoman in the living room to watch TV.
Dinner wasn't quite ready yet- so Dad and I went back up into Alayna's room to hang more pictures.  I've left Marvin alone before- and the worst that has happened was that he jumped out of his basket and I had to go hunting for him.  Not this time.... Mom came in the driveway and all the dogs ran down the stairs to greet her.  She entered the house screaming "The Guinea Pig!!!!"  We immediately came running down the steps just as she said "They Killed Him- He is Dead!!!"
My Dad and Jimmy checked on Marvin and there was no sign of life.  His fur was all over the sunroom and his little body was soaking wet.  I was so shocked I just stood there for a while before I broke down.  I hate myself for what happened tonight- tonight I was a horrible mother.

Being a mother isn't only about raising your own flesh and blood- its about becoming attached and realizing the responsibility you now have with that new relationship.  I know I can't play the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" game.  That will only make things worse.  All I see is myself rushing downstairs with hope, and seeing Dad hold Marvin's helpless body and tell me "he is gone hunny."  That keeps playing over and over in my head.  I always put myself in the animals shoes- I can't help but think how scared he was- and more than anything he was probably looking for me to help because he trusted me.  I wasn't there...
You see I'm not a crying mess tonight because Marvin is no longer with us.  I of course would have been hurt if I found him in his crate dead.  But tonight was so different.  It could have been prevented- he did not need to die tonight.  And I know that this is pointless to worry about- but I want to know what dog did this.  I can only hope it wasn't Pugsley or Scrappy- but as most of you know- I live in a house with 6 dogs.
As a mother you will make mistakes- but how do you forgive yourself when something this horrible happens, and all you needed to do was think???  The fact is tonight was an accident and I'll be considered a good mother again when I can find it in me to forgive myself.
In life they say to learn to forgive- but learning to forgive yourself is one of the hardest lessons to learn.

R.I.P Marvin- Mommy is so sorry sweeite

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Surrender

As most of you know I have started yoga teacher training this year.  At first I was hesitating starting the program while I was pregnant- however the owner of the studio assured me that I would still get a lot out of it.  He was wrong- I got more out of the program while pregnant than I ever could have before!

You see when you are pregnant you need to learn to listen to your body.  If you know me well, you know that I am a bulldozer- jumping from one project to the next, and always known for overdoing it.  My past yoga experiences have always lead me to push myself to my limits the way I always had in life.

Once I started the program I was a few weeks pregnant and already feeling the changes in my body.  At first I was angry with the changes- poses were no longer comfortable or easy for me.  An of course the old Ali would have pushed right through the pain.  Things change when you have more than just you to worry about.  
First there are things that you shouldn't do in yoga when you are pregnant- but eventually there will be things that you just CAN'T do.  For the first time in my yoga practice I was forced to really listen to my body.  I always saw the deep breathing exercises, and the thoughts of yoga being spiritual as a joke.  I was in it for the physical workout and nothing more (I called it trendy yoga).  But I am here today to say folks- it is so so so much more than that.... if you will allow it to be.

Over the last 9 months I have learned to first listen to my body.  Eventually I learned to surrender to my body- I gave into the poses that I no longer could safely do.  It's amazing that it took a child growing inside me for me to learn this.  There are so many benefits to going to a yoga studio- one of them being a teacher there to guide you.  Nearing my third trimester I had to surrender more frequently- it was hard at first- but then got easy because I started to enjoy it.  Surrendering in class was like the release I needed- there was never judgement- just my body and the pose (whatever version of the pose I could do).  I've learned to sink into each pose or "surrender in the pose".  I got to a point where I could say "I get it now- I get what its all about."  Little did I know I was wrong....

A few weeks ago I had a belly check appointment not go so well.  My blood pressure that had been running on the low side suddenly spiked to an unsafe level.  I was immediately put on bed rest and thus no more yoga studio and no more teacher training (for now).  Very upset I emailed my teachers at the studio to express my new frustrations.  I was surprised at their response.  They told me to surrender.  I guess I thought I had been surrendering all along- but surrendering isn't a once and done kind of thing.  It has to grow with you.  I may have surrendered in class when my body needed me to.  But now I need to surrender to the idea that my yoga practice is now a deep breathing practice.... but still a practice.  I never would have been able to accept the idea of deep breathing as practicing yoga- I now know and understand that it is one of the most important practices you can do.

I hope this inspires some of you to start a practice- but even more so I hope for those of you that have a yoga practice that you surrender to the idea of yoga being spiritual.  It is not something that you will ever master- and that is why they call it a practice.  Practice deep breathing in your home- its amazing what a few minutes of deep uninterrupted breathing can do for your mind, body and soul!  Practice in the studio and allow an instructor to guide you through your practice- it will change your practice forever.  Be open to new ideas and concepts and maybe, just maybe you will see yoga as I now see it- it only took me 8 years to get here!

Friday, October 14, 2011

Pregnancy- Not So Glorious

I'm about to enter my 9th month of pregnancy...  At this point it gets a little scary.  You see I'm in between the glorious days of the 2nd trimester when you feel beautiful, sexy, comfortable and ready to pounce on your husband any chance you get and the inevitable "JUST GET IT OUT" phase.

Sure I'm uncomfortable- who wouldn't be with a large honeydew inside their belly (according to thebump.com)?  But when are you really ready for labor?  There is no class for it!  Sure there are the classes you can take at the hospital- which charge you $80 to teach you how to breathe!  Isn't that something we all should be good at by now?  But what about knowing what is going to happen when your labor starts?  The fact is there is no way to know!  My Mom for example had the fairytale pregnancy- no morning sickness- little back pain- truly nothing to complain about- she made it look easy... until her water broke.  She was in labor for 21 hours with me- it ended in a c-section when my heart slowed to the point of giving the nurses on the floor a heart attack.  Then there is my Mom's best friend- she has two kids.  Both kids were delivered in less than an hour from the time she felt the first pain.  Her husband rushed her to the hospital and didn't even have time to put on a gown and booties before her kids were born.  Now that sounds great- but keep in mind there was NO time for drugs!  She felt EVERYTHING!

When your pregnant you hear everyones horror story!  I say horror story because the good stories just never seem to come your way.  You hear about the 20+ hours of labor, how the epidural didn't work, how they pushed for over THREE HOURS, tore from end to end, and not to be gross but pooped everywhere.  I don't need to hear about what bodily functions are going to happen when I'm bring a life into this world- I just don't need to know!!

When am I going to come across someone that will say- "you will be fine, its not that bad"?
So the point is people are starting to ask "aren't you so ready to be done?" and my answer for the them is "HELL NO!"  I will continue to deal with the kicks to my ribs, the sweating when its 50 degrees outside and the multiple trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night.  I'm told there will come a time when I will announce to the world "JUST GET HER OUT!"  but folks- I'm just not there yet!

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Can you pull the plug- no more TV?!

I was required to read the following article for my Developmental Psychology class.  My professor intended the article to cause us to re-think how will raise our children.  For me this article did something completely different... it helped me understand myself.  Enjoy!

http://www.benji.com/RisksOfTV.htm


This article hit home for me.   I could not help but think back to my childhood.  You see my parents worked fulltime when I was growing up (they still do). I was lucky not to have to go to daycare; my grandparents were retired and happy to watch me daily.  However, my grandmother wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box.  She suffered from some type of inability to learn and retain information.  Back then families didn’t rush their children to the doctor to find out what was wrong.  Unfortunately, her family gave up on her and allowed her to drop out of school at the end of the third grade.  My grandmother couldn’t read, so she couldn’t read to me.  She also didn’t understand the importance of social interaction, so I spent most days in the house with her watching TV.  I never really put two and two together until this moment when I read that article.  You see I struggled in school, especially in elementary school.  My primary downfall was in reading.  I couldn’t grasp the concept of reading.  My parents tried everything, including hooked on phonics; which I’m sorry to say was a complete waste of money.  It wasn’t until the fourth grade that I picked up the ever so popular Goosebumps series, and by some miracle taught myself to read.  Things never came easy for me in school; I was always that kid that really had to work hard for the “A”.  To this day math and reading (unless purely for entertainment) are not my favorite things to do; mostly because I am not good at them.  So when asked the question, “will you limit your child’s time watching TV”?  My answer- absolutely! 
The article makes a good point- there is no downfall to turning off the TV.  Sure it might make things a little more challenging for parents; they will have to get creative with new ways to entertain their children.  But is this really a bad thing?  I would give anything to turn back the hands of time to when I was young and turn off the TV.  If it would have changed my enjoyment of school and more importantly my grades isn’t it worth it?  In the article the author points out that watching TV requires no effort from us.  Even if the shows goal is to be educational, the child will not get anything from it.  If a child’s reading ability shows no improvement when watching educational shows such as Sesame Street then why do we allow them to watch TV at all?  It’s no wonder why children from TV deprived homes are the brightest kids the class! 
My daughter is due to arrive in this wonderful world in about five weeks.  I haven’t given TV much thought until now.  I am grateful for what I have learned, and realize that even though it might be more work on my part to keep her entertained without watching what my grandmother calls the tube- in the end it will be so worth it!