Good Bye and I'm Sorry!

I've been hearing the last few weeks that I'm going to be a great mother.  My friends (especially those I met at Disney) all look to me as the mother of the group.  I'm reminded that I was always there for them and that I'll be a great Mom in a few weeks.  I so love them for feeling that way towards me, for I have loved being there for them over the years.  But my motherly instinct didn't start with my friends- it started with my animals.  I'm not the type to only get attached to a dog or cat.  I get attached to whatever I raise, nurture and care for.  I grieve for animals just as much as people- maybe some of you think that is wrong- that animals are not the same as people.... but for someone like me who sees her animals as family or as her kids, the loss of one of them is heart breaking.

Tonight while my Dad and I finished Alayna's room I was a bad mother.  I had completely forgot about my Guinea Pig Marvin- he was downstairs in his favorite basket.  If you are sitting there saying Oh My God he is a rodent then you never met Marvin.  We was a dog in a guinea pigs body.  One of his favorite things to do was have me get him out in is wicker basket- he honestly liked watching TV.... his favorite move was G-Force!  Well I had just cleaned his cage and brought him in his basket downstairs for the evening.  He normally would sit on a chair in the kitchen during dinner and then chill on the ottoman in the living room to watch TV.
Dinner wasn't quite ready yet- so Dad and I went back up into Alayna's room to hang more pictures.  I've left Marvin alone before- and the worst that has happened was that he jumped out of his basket and I had to go hunting for him.  Not this time.... Mom came in the driveway and all the dogs ran down the stairs to greet her.  She entered the house screaming "The Guinea Pig!!!!"  We immediately came running down the steps just as she said "They Killed Him- He is Dead!!!"
My Dad and Jimmy checked on Marvin and there was no sign of life.  His fur was all over the sunroom and his little body was soaking wet.  I was so shocked I just stood there for a while before I broke down.  I hate myself for what happened tonight- tonight I was a horrible mother.

Being a mother isn't only about raising your own flesh and blood- its about becoming attached and realizing the responsibility you now have with that new relationship.  I know I can't play the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" game.  That will only make things worse.  All I see is myself rushing downstairs with hope, and seeing Dad hold Marvin's helpless body and tell me "he is gone hunny."  That keeps playing over and over in my head.  I always put myself in the animals shoes- I can't help but think how scared he was- and more than anything he was probably looking for me to help because he trusted me.  I wasn't there...
You see I'm not a crying mess tonight because Marvin is no longer with us.  I of course would have been hurt if I found him in his crate dead.  But tonight was so different.  It could have been prevented- he did not need to die tonight.  And I know that this is pointless to worry about- but I want to know what dog did this.  I can only hope it wasn't Pugsley or Scrappy- but as most of you know- I live in a house with 6 dogs.
As a mother you will make mistakes- but how do you forgive yourself when something this horrible happens, and all you needed to do was think???  The fact is tonight was an accident and I'll be considered a good mother again when I can find it in me to forgive myself.
In life they say to learn to forgive- but learning to forgive yourself is one of the hardest lessons to learn.

R.I.P Marvin- Mommy is so sorry sweeite